Biblically Bad Faux Beer Launch Iminent

Carlsberg looks set to unleash Eve, the female-targeted 'near-beer', on the UK market.

Now, I've already dissected MolsonCoor's recent trial of a similar product, so before I comment on this latest development here are the tasting notes on Eve from my good friend Laurent:

"3.1% ABV, very syrupy, very sweet, pinkish and bubbly, with an overpowering chemical fruit taste. The front half of one's tongue is coated with the agressive sweet fruitiness (feels like your tastebuds are dying one-by-one, blown up by the flavouring's overkill...), and the back half of the tongue does not send any signal, as if it was dead.

"Indeed, no bitterness to be expected from lychee or passion fruit flavours, but they even managed to produce a grapefruit taste completely devoid of bitterness... grapefruit being by far the less offensive of the three (yes, I've tasted actually all three, and it's not a nice recollection).

"Hops ? no perceptible hops... taste of the base beer ? No taste recognisable as such, no trace of yeast, fermentation, anything reminiscent of beer..."

Mmm, doesn't Eve sound yummy?!

I had read an article in Brewer's Guardian that mentioned this product but hadn't heard anything about it potentially hitting the UK until Laurent sent me this link to a design agency's website, where they are giving it large about the creative they've come up with for the product, so I think it's safe to say that it's just about to come to our stores.

Do you know what really cheeses me off though, is that when they launched the Jacobsen range a few years ago I had women going mad for the Bramley Wit, it was delicious! Put out of your minds the taste of Applebocq , this was a deliciously well-balanced, very slightly tart (in that really good apple sauce way), a nice coriander & orange peel aspect you'd expect and a fabulous body with lingering wheaty-apple notes - not to mention wonderful glassware and a beautiful bottle.

It was a craft-brewed product from their microbrewery in Coppenhagen and ticks all the bloody boxes about what people want more of from their beer, artisan brewed etc.

But, maybe I'm just being that little bit too radical again so thank you Carlsberg, it's just as well you're here to remind us ladeez not to get too big for our britches on the flavour front.

You've caught us just in time because us girlies were just beginning to take our tastebuds out of saccharine atrophy, so thank you for putting us right back into our sweet little fluffy, sparkly-pink boxes.

Anyway, I simply must dash now, there's ironing, cleaning and baking to do before the man of the house gets back from the football...



(image from www.StarvetheBardies.com)

Hands-On with London's Youngest Brewer!

Whatever you’re thinking, stop it! When I say I spent the day ‘hands-on’ with London’s youngest brewer, Tony Lennon, I mean he was kind enough to let me spend the day brewing with him.

Without wishing to tease too much I'm afraid I can't write extensively right now about my day's brewing with Tony at the Florence in Herne Hill, sister pub to the Cock & Hen , because I'm writing an article for a couple of magazines, which I'm sure I'll be able to publish extracts from in the not too distant future.

However, what I will say is how educational it was for me.

Although I know the majority of the theory, and I've been to many different breweries of varying sizes, I've never actually been hands-on with the whole of the brewing process and certainly not on such a micro scale and it's really increased my understanding of the practical side of the process, as opposed to the slightly more 'fluffy' tasting and food matching side.

We were making Bonobo at 4.5%, the darker of the two beers brewed at both the Florence and the Cock & Hen, and my boss for the day seemed pretty pleased with it all so that's good - I'll let you know what it tastes like in 40 days, by which time I should be able to talk more about the day.

Tony - despite the fact he's got the hump with me for calling him a 'lovely lad' in a previous post - was more than a little patient with my occasionally stupid questions and the fact that I was almost certainly more hindrance than help.

And at the risk of sounding like one big advert for Capital Pub Company on this blog at the moment, you really should get down to the Florence. It's a beautiful pub, with a massive garden, lovely airy conservatory, great food, beautiful architecture and original features and an in-house brewery! As just a small taster of what's on offer - they sell Budvar, Aspall, Adnams and, of course, either Weasel or Bonobo.

I will sound a note of caution though and that's if, like me, you have a nutter magnet on your forehead you may find some of the local residents a little disturbing - I had a couple of funny ones - but my personal favourite for the day? The guy who was collecting and smoking 'recycled' cigarettes about two feet away from me (fortunately on the other side of some railings) who proceeded to growl at me for about five minutes much to the amusement of the other patrons!

But PLEASE don't let this put you off - this kind of stuff happens to me all the time - it really is the most lovely pub and even worth a trip to Herne Hill for!

Chilly Reception

Right, this 'serve everything over ice' shit has got to stop!

It was bad enough when I was at an event recently that the first thing I got greeted with was a red 'bowl' of Piper Heidsieck champagne, with rapidly melting ice sloshing around in it, and the legend 'piscine' around the outside (wtf?) - but now one of my favourite breweries is at it as well!

I love Fuller's - I think Discovery is a cracking summer beer, the Vintage Ale is a work of art, the Porter is dark delight and the Golden Ale is a beer I can sit and savour for hours - but what the hell are their marketing people thinking by suggesting Honey Dew should be served over ice with lime?!

Unlike some of the fundamentalists out there I think it's a good thing ales are being served a little bit more chilled these days - because at the end of the day that's what consumers want and, if that's what they want, it's no use bitching and moaning it's not how it should be served - but this is just taking the so-called Magner's effect waaaaay to far.

In fact, I'm thinking about hunting down the bastard who started this 'over ice' business and having a word in their shell-like - who's with me?!

Feeling Fruity?

It would seem the description of Timmermans Peche in my Rake's Progress post got lots of people's juices flowing and I've been asked for more advice on fruit beers, so here goes.

Fruit beers fall broadly into two categories: those that are lambic-based and those that aren't. This divide also allows me to explain the term lambic, which was another question someone asked me - see, there is a pinch of thought behind this blogging business, I promise you.

The lambic style of brewing is just plain weird - seriously, when you first hear about it you check the calendar to make sure it's not an April Fool - because it's basically done by magic.

All right, maybe not magic but you can understand how, historically, people thought it was. Basically there are areas all over the world where natural wild yeast flourishes (no one is exactly sure why though) and if you leave the basic beer porridge out in the open it will spontaneously ferment and, hey presto, beer appears!

The thing is, it produces pretty sour beer (which I like but then I liked those super sour jaw breakers and cola bottles when I was kid too) but it makes it the ideal base to be sweetened up with fruit.

Great examples of this style are the Lindeman's fruit beers, which I personally prefer over the BelleVue.

Other fruit beers outside the lambic category range from the Yorkshire offering of Sam Smith's Organic Cherry Beer and bizarre Belgians - which include the smoothie-esque Fruli and super-sweet Floris Passion, Apple or Fraise.

Personally I like Liefman's as they aren't too sweet - the Kriek (cherry) version is perfect with venison carpaccio, dark chocolate desserts or even with pork. The Frambozen (raspberry) is definitely more a dessert beast, but also goes quite well with duck in port sauce as it cuts through the unctuous nature of the meat. You can get both these beers in most big supermarkets or your local off licence.

The Sam Smith's Cherry Beer is an honest to goodness cherry pop - you wouldn't have the first clue that it was alcoholic but, don't be fooled, it weighs in at 5.2% and can put you on your bum if you disrespect it!

Fruli, at 4.1%, is a wheat beer with a massive amount of strawberry puree in it, in fact so much that it's unrecognisable as a beer and tastes more like a smoothie - perfect for non-beer drinkers really.

The Floris beers are flavoured with syrups, which comes through in the quite sugary mouthfeel and, to my mind, slightly chemical flavour but they do have a huge following none the less.

So, hopefully, this brief romp through the more commonly available beers will inspire you next time you're feeling fruity!